Terrified of weighing myself

I’m a binge eater and I’m terrified of weighing myself. There I said it, the truths out there and can not be unsaid.

Why do I binge eat?
I cannot easily answer that question, but a few things I have noticed are:

1. When I’m eating it feels great, a release, total relaxation, immediately after I feel guilty, fat, horrible, a failure and utterly worthless- the negative feelings are MUCH stronger than the positive ones.

2. I binge on carbs- ooh bread, cereal, biscuits, chocolate and toast with jam. I think this is fairly normal though. It seems as though these are the most common binge foods. They are the most easily broken down by the body, they cause a rush of dopamine and serotonin (the happy, feel good hormones). It is this rush that causes the addiction, the feeling good and the crash, awful feelings afterward!

3. Sugar makes the binges more intense, more frequent and just worse in general. Since I have begun restricting sugar intake the binges are less frequent and easier to over come though they are still present. This blog has sincerely helped also.

4. I binge eat when I’m feeling hungry or down about almost anything. If I’m hungry and I eat something I shouldn’t have e.g. Chips I think “oh well might as well just eat everything in the house now”. I crave a binge when I don’t feel good about something in my life. If work is stressful, if I make an error at work or have a patient complaint I just feel awful. I tell myself I’m not cut out for it or good enough. Then I think if I can’t do “x” I can’t keep my diet, so why bother, if fat and useless and don’t deserve to feel good about myself. If I meet friends and they look good i feel terrible about myself and I have very attractive friends. If I look at a look at photos of people I know or celebrities that look thin and gorgeous I feel bad and crave a binge. I can see now as I read this that, this cycle is nonsense. I am good at my job, I’m attractive, slim and I can do anything I set my mind to. I deserve to be happy and feel good about myself.

5. Ending the cycle takes time. Before Christmas I was binging three or four times per week- since starting this blog I have binged three times. Three times in almost a month. That is great progress, for me. Lent starts in February and its quite a big thing here-though most people don’t believe in god or go to church a lot of people renew New Years resolutions for lent. I know I will have support with my goals for those six weeks because lots of us will be in it together. My goal is to be binge free totally by then, that way I can focus on eating a healthy diet and sticking to an exercise plan.

Getting back to being terrified of weighing myself, I just can’t face it. I hate even the thought of weighing myself. I hate it for the reasons outlined in point 4. This has gone beyond a joke. I’m a grown up afraid of a scale, seriously. I could weigh anything with a ten pound leeway, that’s bad I’m in denial at the minute- no I haven’t gained weight/ I don’t look like I gained weight/ my clothes still fit. I have to be honest and have accountability. My plan- shower and change in the mornings in the bathroom with the scales, not in my en-suite. I’m sure the bf will be happy, I’m not waking him at the crack of dawn, every morning. I am also going to join a nearby gym in February once I get paid. It’s cheap enough €200 euros per year- I just hope I can use all gyms in the chain, one gym near work and another near home.

My gosh this is a long post but to be honest, I need the therapy!

This is out!!

This is in !!!