Where did it all begin

6 Jan

First off last night I was seriously on the verge of an out and out binge, I just about managed to stop myself. I’m delighted, I distracted myself and the urge passed quickly and easily. Got up and weighed my self this morning, in an attempt to make the numbers on the scale a normal part of my routine. The number showed 8st 9.5. I had got myself to a point whereby, I would almost always binge on the day I weighted my self either because the number was high, I was fat anyway so what’s the point or because the number was low, I was thin and could afford the extra food. That’s not normal nor is it okay. The more often I weigh myself the easier it will be to resist a binge.

We were always a “healthy” house, treats were usually once a day after dinner. TakeAways were a rarity and food was home made. I was always an active child and teen, between swimming, football and hockey, there wasn’t much room for being sedentary. My mum was always aware of calories and exercise, she retained her college weight all her life and is now in her 50’s and still wears a UK size 10 (US size 6).

At the age of 16 we moved house and I moved school. My best friend and I became closer than ever. After a summer if over eating she embarked on a diet and lost 2 st. In our new school we both started counting calories and trying to eat healthy food. At about 9 st and 5ft 8 ” I was slim, healthy and didn’t really want to lose weight but enjoyed counting calories, etc.

I began kickboxing and about a year later I was signed up for a tournament. That is the first time started trying to lose weight. I wanted to be sure I was in the light weight category. At around this time I began binging too, when I was alone in the house I would eat small amounts of everything to stop it from being noticed. Binging was about twice a month at this stage. I became depressed in my new school, I was lonely and missed my old friends and my old life. It was a truly awful time. I became withdrawn, moody and a plain nightmare teen. It was a time I wouldn’t repeat for all the money in the world.

Then I began college. I got into an excellent course, though I would soon find out that it was incredibly difficult, with a huge amount of pressure. From the get go I didn’t feel good enough, clever enough or as able as the rest of my class. I continued to be withdrawn, shy and very unsocial. I made two good friends in college but was completely terrified of the rest of the class. In my first year, I threw all caring about weight, calories, exercise and my body out the window. I ate what I liked, when I liked and I began partying. I hated my course and myself in equal measure. I gained a stone at least. I felt huge and depressed but didn’t care too much. Over the summer I got a job in my degree area and loved it. I decided to continue with my studies and have never been so happy with a decision.

Around Christmas of second year in college I became I’ll, I got the flu quite badly. I completely lost my appetite and lost about half a stone. This sparked a change in my behaviour I started caring again. I began losing weight slowly. No one really noticed my weightloss because it was so slow.

I can not remember when I started binging again all I know is that in the end I went from 10st to 8 st 10 to 8st 7 at my lowest, but the binging became worse and worse my weight fluctuated and I felt horrible. At my worst I was binging twice a week with about 2-3 thousand calories per binge. Each time I promised it would be my last, each binge becoming worse then the one before. I felt complete out of control. My weight started creeping up again, I was desperate to avoid gaining up to where I was when I started college. The prospect still terrifies me!

Now I am 24, fully qualified in a job I love, I have a wonderful partner that I will most likely spend the rest of my life with, there are no more excuses, nothing to hold me back.

I have just begun trying really trying to stop binging. It is very upsetting and has started to cause problems in my relationship, mostly due to my major mood swings, before and after a binge. I know sugar is the culprit, avoid it and avoid binging. I don’t feel strong enough to quit sugar but it is necessary, in order to regain control over what I’m eating but more importantly in order to regain some confidence and self worth.


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